Sure, you could go out to eat. Yeah, go on and spend money on a tip and some food that you don't where it's been or who cooked it.
Or, maybe you could stay at home and whip up some crabcakes. That's some folks' idea of dinner. Some FANCY folks, maybe. But, what about your plan to save money so you can go to Tuscany someday? You better RETHINK.
Look in your cabinet and find a can o' soup. I know you've got at least one. It's turning fall weather and nothing's better than chicken'n'wild rice or split pea w/ ham. Who are you trying to impress on a Monday evening anyway? Pop open that can. Two, three minutes in the microwave, and dinner's done. Bust out a bag of gluten-free crackers, and you've got a feast! Tomato soup and a grilled cheese is mmm, mmm free.
Cost: $0.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I am thankful for Michael Douglas
Sometimes, when I'm feeling snarky and mean as hell, I have to get out my little red notebook and write down a few things I'm thankful for:
1. I'm thankful for the lunch I packed that isn't very appetizing. The alternative could be no food at all. Back when I was a starving artist in Nashville, I gathered the change from my piggy bank so I could buy a can of soup for the day. I bought the soup and was walking back to my car when a homeless man asked me if I had any money. I gave him a handful of dimes (cuz I thought the pennies would be too insulting).
2. Just the other day, I was making funny faces in the mirror when I noticed my grey roots. I felt old and upset with myself that I hadn't gotten around to calling up the beauty shop. Then, I thought about the guy from Spenser for Hire who lost all his hair during chemo. I should be thankful for my hair, roots and all. I bet Michael Douglas is.
3. I was having a good time walking through the Salvation Army trying to find funny clothes to make a Halloween costume. Then, I saw families there shopping for their everyday clothes.
4. Sunday night, I was sitting on the couch upset that I got only 200 cable channels instead of 600. Then, I noticed my bookshelves, full of books I haven't read. So, I miss some must-see TV. So what. What was my favorite show five years ago? 10 years ago? I have no idea. But, I can tell you all about my favorite books (that's a post for another day).
5. I broke a bowl. I was mad until I counted up how many bowls I have. There are 17 left. I think I will get by. We all will.
1. I'm thankful for the lunch I packed that isn't very appetizing. The alternative could be no food at all. Back when I was a starving artist in Nashville, I gathered the change from my piggy bank so I could buy a can of soup for the day. I bought the soup and was walking back to my car when a homeless man asked me if I had any money. I gave him a handful of dimes (cuz I thought the pennies would be too insulting).
2. Just the other day, I was making funny faces in the mirror when I noticed my grey roots. I felt old and upset with myself that I hadn't gotten around to calling up the beauty shop. Then, I thought about the guy from Spenser for Hire who lost all his hair during chemo. I should be thankful for my hair, roots and all. I bet Michael Douglas is.
3. I was having a good time walking through the Salvation Army trying to find funny clothes to make a Halloween costume. Then, I saw families there shopping for their everyday clothes.
4. Sunday night, I was sitting on the couch upset that I got only 200 cable channels instead of 600. Then, I noticed my bookshelves, full of books I haven't read. So, I miss some must-see TV. So what. What was my favorite show five years ago? 10 years ago? I have no idea. But, I can tell you all about my favorite books (that's a post for another day).
5. I broke a bowl. I was mad until I counted up how many bowls I have. There are 17 left. I think I will get by. We all will.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Meeting Etiquette 101
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Gender Stereotyping at the Drive-Thru
Sometimes, after a long day of corporate takeovers, I just don't have the energy to boil the brown rice and dice the veggies and drizzle it with sesame oil. Sometimes, I want a small fry and a small Coke from the drive-thru. So, I get a Happy Meal. (Yes, I know it's unhealthy. Don't even start in on that. HATER-FREE ZONE! NO HATERZ!) I throw away the burger cuz it messes with my gluten allergy--but, oddly enough, doesn't faze my beef allergy.
The whole point of the transaction is to get the toy, so I can take it home to the human kid. (Often, when I am flying back from my Shanghai biz trips, I forget to buy her a souvenir and end up purchasing a double-decker bus-shaped handbag at the duty-free in Heathrow.)
So, the cashier will ask me, "Is it for a boy or a girl?"
And, that's where it gets complicated.
I end up defending a dissertation through the speaker board while holding up the lunch line.
"Well, I'm a cat," I say, "but I'm only eating the fries in the meal. The toy isn't for me. It's a gift for someone else, a little human girl, BUT, she would prefer a DC Comics action figure to the mini Madame Alexander doll. You see, she really loves Iron Man and she got a huge kick outta that Aquaman she received the last time we were here."
And then through the speaker, a static-y voice asks, "What?"
"Boy! It's for a boy!" I yell.
And then, I opened the box expecting to see Batman or Stretch Armstrong.
WRONG.
WRONG!
There she was, a mini Cinderella-version Madame Alexander.
Maybe the cashier had malice in her heart cuz I yelled. Maybe a dog-lover was working the drive-thru. I just hope human kid isn't too disappointed with her doll. Cost: $3.17.
The whole point of the transaction is to get the toy, so I can take it home to the human kid. (Often, when I am flying back from my Shanghai biz trips, I forget to buy her a souvenir and end up purchasing a double-decker bus-shaped handbag at the duty-free in Heathrow.)
So, the cashier will ask me, "Is it for a boy or a girl?"
And, that's where it gets complicated.
I end up defending a dissertation through the speaker board while holding up the lunch line.
"Well, I'm a cat," I say, "but I'm only eating the fries in the meal. The toy isn't for me. It's a gift for someone else, a little human girl, BUT, she would prefer a DC Comics action figure to the mini Madame Alexander doll. You see, she really loves Iron Man and she got a huge kick outta that Aquaman she received the last time we were here."
And then through the speaker, a static-y voice asks, "What?"
"Boy! It's for a boy!" I yell.
And then, I opened the box expecting to see Batman or Stretch Armstrong.
WRONG.
WRONG!
There she was, a mini Cinderella-version Madame Alexander.
Maybe the cashier had malice in her heart cuz I yelled. Maybe a dog-lover was working the drive-thru. I just hope human kid isn't too disappointed with her doll. Cost: $3.17.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Bede say thank you
Every once in awhile, I just want to stop and say thanks to all of you great people who read my posts, my tweets, my fan page and my blog. Also, thank you for buying products made by my conglomerate, Persian Metamarketing Ltd. (PML). Thank you for dining at PML restaurants, buying PML clothing and, most importantly, for supporting our catnip initiatives for sustainable agriculture in impoverished areas such as Siloam, Georgia.
My latest adventure is one full of fire and music (for we all know that music soothes the savage beast, which is what dogs are). For those of you who haven't already heard, I have recently formed a Dixieland band called The Bede Cat Band. It seems like every city where my band tours, the crowds are getting bigger instead of smaller. We're talking from Cairo (Egypt) to Cairo (Georgia). People don't seem to mind that we play only one song: "Sweet Georgia Brown." It's a classic and gets the crowd to the dance floor almost as quickly as the Georgia Satellites' "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" does. (In a related note, we are working hard to learn the entire Satellites' catalog. Stay tuned.) Our popularity has mushroomed only as a result of my fans spreading the word and bringing new people out to see us play at venues across the world. Thank you for your continued support as I live the dream.
My latest adventure is one full of fire and music (for we all know that music soothes the savage beast, which is what dogs are). For those of you who haven't already heard, I have recently formed a Dixieland band called The Bede Cat Band. It seems like every city where my band tours, the crowds are getting bigger instead of smaller. We're talking from Cairo (Egypt) to Cairo (Georgia). People don't seem to mind that we play only one song: "Sweet Georgia Brown." It's a classic and gets the crowd to the dance floor almost as quickly as the Georgia Satellites' "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" does. (In a related note, we are working hard to learn the entire Satellites' catalog. Stay tuned.) Our popularity has mushroomed only as a result of my fans spreading the word and bringing new people out to see us play at venues across the world. Thank you for your continued support as I live the dream.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Gluten-Free, Anti-bovine, Kosher and Lovin It!
My good friends--the 700+ who follow me on Facebook-- know that I was recently diagnosed with a gluten allergy. My veterinarian found this fascinating, especially since a) I was already allergic to beef and dairy products and b) cats can usually eat whatever.
I used to be a vegan, but then I realized--as a feline who is committed to frugal living--bunnies, squirrels and chipmunks were readily available in my backyard. I found them both tasty and economical in these tough financial times. (As CEO of Persian Metamarketing Ltd., I employ a staff of thousands, with subsidiaries and licensees in a variety of markets throughout the world. Our CatNip Treats products in Canada have taken an especially tough hit, in light of the recent PR scandal that I'm sure you all are abundantly aware of.)
So, now I stay away from pasta and breads and try to fill my plate with veggies. Whenever I am at a restaurant, I like to ask the server if there is a gluten-free, kosher menu available. While I am not Jewish, I enjoy seeing the look on the server's face. I can tell she is thinking, "HOLY CRAP, who let a cat in the restaurant?"
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Button it up
You can order 100 buttons with a picture of your face on it for $.36 ea. from RogueRadish.com. Just fill small gift bags with the buttons, and your shopping is done. Think about it: If the person you're giving a gift to doesn't love your face then maybe you guys shouldn't be exchanging gifts in the first place.
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