Thursday, July 12, 2012

Guns 'n' Roses, ranked by hotness

1. Duff (duh)
2. Axl (although I think he'd be difficult to have a relationship with)
3. Slash
4. Adler
5. Izzy

This is no way a diss against Izzy. It's just that someone had to come last, OK?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


This woman at church had surgery and needed meals sent to her house. So, the church meal organizer--let's just call her MEANFACE--sends an email to all the cats at the church that goes like this:

"This woman needs some meals sent to her house--pronto! Get to cookin!"

Now, I'm a mogul without a lot of spare time, but I don't mind pitching in. As a cat with severe food allergies, however, I endeavor to find out a little bit about the people for whom I'm cooking. Are they lactose-intolerant? Do they have a problem with gluten? Is there a nut allergy present? Are they allergic to steak? THESE ARE VALID QUESTIONS.

So, I emailed MEANFACE back and asked, "Do have a phone number for the woman who needs meals?"

Meanface wrote back, "I put all of the info that I currently have in the previous email. There was some urgency to get the info out so the meals would start coming."

Well, no duh. I get that. Obviously, I'm not an idiot. I run a company with hundreds of subsidiaries and manage thousands of employees. But, I'm not gonna just show up at someone's house bearing a tuna noodle casserole without calling first to a) say what time I'm coming over and b) find out if the person's allergic to seafood. THAT WOULD BE STUPID.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Eco-Friendly Birthday Party, My Butt

To the mom who hosted an exhausting eco-friendly birthday party for her kid (

Here are 5 things I found misguided about your approach:

1. You hosted it on Super Bowl Sunday. Seriously, dude, are you that freaking selfish to think that folks wanna hang out with your kid on the biggest football day of the year?

2. Your goal was to host a bash that generated no garbage, but you held the party at Go-Kart World? Don't pat yourself on the back too hard about carpooling to get there.

3. You made tamales instead of hot dogs because it eliminated the plastic bags that the hot dogs and buns are packaged in. OK, that's cool. But, seriously, who the hell likes to eat tamales? I'm not hating. I'm just saying they taste like crap.

4. and 5. "Unfortunately for my son, some parents took the request for little or no waste to mean 'Don't bother bringing a present,' which, at the end of what turned out to be an eight-hour extravaganza, ended with my son storming off to his room." I don't even know where to start with that sentence. What are parents supposed to bring to a no-waste party? A sack of flour? In a biodegradable unbleached cotton sack, no doubt. Also, maybe your kid stormed off to his room because eight hours of anything is about seven hours too long.

I'm all for saving the earth and being all sustainable and stuff, but, really? Your party sounds awful.

Monday, January 23, 2012

A Heartfelt Message for Dooce

I don’t like to admit that I read That blog ain’t exactly Dostoyevsky. But, I love that fallen Mormon chick who lives in Salt Lake City. She’s got two cool kids and two cool dogs. A husband who has his own blog, all about design and photography and stuff. She swears a lot. She makes me laugh. She posts with a regularity that I can only aspire to. (It's like she's the valedictorian of posting.) Her photos are out of this world, and she’s the reason I bought the most expensive camera I could afford.

Sometimes, I try to tell myself I won’t read her anymore, like when she’s talking about Bangladesh or training for her stupid marathon, but I always come back. I can’t quit Coca-Cola and I can’t quit Dooce. There, I said it.

So, when I read that she and her husband had separated, I was all surprised and sad. So much so that my friend Roger said, “Are you actually UPSET that Dooce and her husband broke up? You’re upset. About the Internet chick you’ve never met.”

I said, “No, no of course not. I’m upset about Seal and Heidi.”

But what I really meant was, “I’m SO SAD about Dooce!" Damn. That sucks. I thought those bloggernauts would make it in this crazy world.

So here is my message to my favorite blogger:

Dooce, I know there’s a lot of haters out there, but I’m all about hater-free zones. So, if you need my private jet or the use of my Swiss chalet, just say the word. Just consider it a gift from one mogul to another.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Word On Paula Deen

Because so many of you asked me to weigh in on the Paula Deen situation, I feel that I must.

First off, I can't stand Paula. With her fake Southern hospitality and her too-white teeth. But, in this instance, I have to come to her defense. Here's why:

If she had diabetes in the 1970s, only her doctor and her pharmacist would know. And they would giggle about it together at the country club and say stuff like, "Ain't she eccentric? That quirky broad got a million-dollar empire and can't eat her own food." And then they'd golf and have a coupla highballs afterward and that would be all. Sure, maybe a few folks around Savannah would whisper about it, but it wouldn't be some stupid SCANDAL. It wouldn't necessitate a panel on the "Today" show calling her out and saying she's "egregious." As if she'd been throwing babies down a well or somethin.

So the woman who makes fattening recipes has diabetes. BFD. Not my problem. I don't go to Paula Deen for health advice. Cuz I'm NOT STUPID. Last time I went to her website I was looking for a six-egg breakfast casserole for a New Year's Eve party. If I want tofu stir fry, I log in to my Weight Watchers account. Whatever meal I pick, that's on me.

I mean, seriously, did anybody ever call Julia Child out for all her heavy cream French recipes? Or her gigantism? Hell no. Quite the opposite. They made a movie about her and put Meryl Streep on a pedestal so she could play the part.

Oh, but, Paula is supposed to SHOW US how to eat healthy now that she's got diabetes. Bull. That's like looking in the Dumbass section of the library hoping to find that Einstein bio. Or asking Lisa Bonet, "Should I immunize my kids?"

Paula, eat what you want and cook what you want and make money how you want. Rock on with your capitalism and donate a portion of your diabetes medicine spokeswoman money to the American Diabetes Association. Last time I checked, that's what makes America great. And if people wanna eat a cheeseburger between donuts, well, that's on them.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Life Lessons and Toni Braxton

You ever had an enemy you forgot about for 20 years and then--bam--while you're sitting there sick on the couch, half-delirious from dehydration, she comes flying back to memory on her broom? While I was curled up with the fever and ague yesterday, I thought of Della Doris, my supervisor at Ruby Tuesday back in 1990.

One Friday, I was working a double shift--10 a.m. to 4 p.m. and then 5-11 p.m. Well, my early tables didn't finish up till 4:45, so I asked Della if I could take more than 15 minutes to go eat something in the mall, change into a clean uniform and get ready for the long night ahead. "No," she said, "you MUST be back here at 5."

Now, present-day Bede would've got in her face and told her, "Not only is that inhumane, it's also illegal. Cash me out, woman, cuz I quit. You can sell these fajitas your own damn self." But, instead, I rushed next door to Chick-fil-a and got me a frozen ice dream and ran back to work, still wearing my ranch dressing-spattered apron.

Della, meanwhile, went off to Holiday Hair and got her mullet shaped into what she called a "Toni Braxton cut." I didn't bother enlightening her to the fact that she was 1) white 2) couldn't sing and 3) tipped that scales at two bills.

As a present-day mogul, I do not wish Della ill and sincerely hope she clawed her way to middle management on the Ruby Tuesday corporate ladder. Sometimes, when I am dealing with my cadre of employees, I remind myself to be nice and "not act all Toni Braxton" on people. But, what I really mean, is "not act all Della Doris." I'm sure Toni Braxton herself is a lovely woman.

How to Save Money on Food

Lots of folks look for ways to cut their grocery bill. Here's a tip that will help you save money: Get the flu. More importantly, make sure your whole family gets the flu. No co-pays to worry about cuz no one will have the strength to go to the doctor--or anywhere else, saving on car emissions and gasoline. Eco-friendly! Plus, no one will eat for at least two days. That's six meals worth of savings! Gatorade is cheaper than chicken stir fry for four ANY DAY. The best part is, once everybody is over the flu and back to work/school, they still won't have much of an appetite. Buy a box of cup o'soup and call that "breakfast and lunch." If you're the splurging type, pick up some of the 79-cent ginger ale. Dinner! Your budget--and your waistline--will thank you.

Friday, January 13, 2012

How to Save Money On Shampoo

Couple nights ago, around 9:45 p.m., I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to clean out the closet in the bathroom downstairs.

Threw out two tubes of old mascara , a pillowcase of cotton balls (had 'em for seven years and never found a use) and more than one bottle of expired vitamins. I kept the Vicodin cuz a) it hadn't expired and b) you never know when you're gonna pull a trapezius muscle and need that stuff. Also gave myself permission to toss that sample lipstick that came in an Estee Lauder gift bag (free with a purchase of a bottle of perfume) two years ago.

Then I gathered up all the bottles of lotion, body wash, bubble bath, shampoo and conditioner and put them on a closet shelf. Ditto for the seven almost-empty bottles of Bath 'n' Bodyworks liquid hand soap. Found several bars of Mickey Mouse soap and trial-size toiletries. Up on the shelf they went. Forget clipping coupons. I'm gonna use up what I already have. Who knows what treasures await in the upstairs bathroom? I haven't even checked that closet.

Often, when I'm at the grocery store's beauty aisle, I think, surely, we must be out of SOMETHING. And then there's that impulse buy of vanilla mint conditioner that I MUST have to tame my luxurious fur. And, I can't very well buy vanilla mint conditioner without vanilla mint shampoo, now can I? That usually snowballs into buying some bubble bath. Then I think of all that steamy water drying out my skin, so I get some overpriced Neutrogena bath oil or head down to the organic aisle for an even pricier acacia/grapefruit/goat milk skin-soothing potion. And then I think, well, shoot, I need a new headband, too. And, the thing is, I'm at the grocery store where I should just be buying GROCERIES not toiletries, but the grocery store is right across the street and Target is wayyy down the pike, and, well, that's how you end up with a closet shelf full of half-used toiletries. But, this year is gonna be different. I'm using up that stuff before I buy new. That's how I'm gonna save money on shampoo in 2012.