Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Let's say you have to give presents to a bunch of different teenagers. You don't want to spend any money, but you don't want to look cheap (cuz you know those teenagers will tell you to your face: "Dude, you're freakin cheap. And super old.") So, you go to the craft store and buy some silk thread. (It's $1.99, but you can print out a 40% coupon to cut costs.) Then, you put a couple beads on there. Or, maybe you have little charms just sitting around from a long-abandoned craft project. Then you write somethin witty about how they can make a wish as they tie the bracelet/necklace on. And how when the string breaks, the wish comes true. Just print that out on cardstock and wrap the string around it. Tape it in the back. No clasp necessary. Super cheap. Super cool. Not much money.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sure, you could bust your buns slicing up 3 pounds of apples and rolling out the perfect piecrust for a pie. And, yeah, maybe folks would be impressed. But, that involves lots of spices and a pie plate and lemon juice and a lot of effort. Need dessert for 12? Buy 3 apples. Seriously. That's all it takes.
Grab 3 sticks from your yard. Stick them in the apples. Melt some caramel. (You might have some left over from Halloween.) Dip the apples. Put them on tin foil on the let 'em sit in the fridge for 30 mins.
Melt some chocolate. I know you've got some. Doesn't matter what kind. Spoon the chocolate over the caramel apples.
Toss some toffee bits on there. Or sprinkles. Or whatever. They're your apples; how do YOU like 'em ? Once you have the apples coated up how you want, back in the fridge they go. Take them out 30 minutes before dessert time and slice 'em up. You watch. NOBODY--not even your big, ol' lazyass uncle who hasn't had a job in 30 years--can eat more than a slice or two. In fact, most folks will end up cutting a slice in half. Done and done--three apples feeds 12 people.
It ain't loaves and fishes, of course, but it's pretty cool.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
It's the holiday season, and we're all supposed to give. My writing services are the best Christmas gift I can offer to the world. Seems like folks are in desperate need of well-placed apostrophes and sujbect-verb agreement, and I'm here to help.
The Annual Holiday Letter
Because of my last blog post, many of my fans and loyal followers raked me over the coals for making fun of their annual holiday letters. Looks like you're going to send these things anyway, so I'd better come to the rescue.
I will ghost write your family holiday letters. Let me know the highlights of your family's past year, and I'll craft it in a way that doesn't make people puke. I'll even include humble comments such as "We certainly didn't expect little Sarah to get the lead in the school play, but she surprised us all with her God-given acting talents. Look out, Hollywood!" The spelling, grammar and punctuation also will be correct. Duh, that goes without saying. Your recipients will be impressed this year. Cost: $20.
As an added bonus, I can provide personalized letters from Santa. These letters will arrive typed on fancy holiday stationery. I'll sign Santa's name in gold ink. Heck, I could even throw in some glitter and a few personal facts ("Way to maintain that C average, Tommy!"). Cost: $10/kid.
Everyone's busy during the holiday season, and bloggers are no exception. I can offer a much-needed break--and the most awesome guest blog posts ever. Cost: $20/post.
Let me know how I can help. Persian Metamarketing Ltd. is here for you. All money received will go to Birthdaywishes.org, a charity that provides birthday parties for children in homeless shelters.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Look out, it's almost that time of year. In a few weeks, they'll start invading your house. You know what I'm talking about. Yep, the annual Christmas letters.
If you are one of those people who send an impersonal form letter to all of your friends and family, realize this: WE ALL MAKE FUN OF YOU.
Seriously. ALL OF US. We get together and have parties and read your letter out loud and laugh at it.
The letter is not cool. Stop doing it. Nobody is impressed by the list of crap you bought or accomplished throughout the year. Nobody cares that you took a business trip to Cleveland. Nobody cares if your kid got the lead in the school play. No one wants to hear the oozing details of your knee surgery.
So, save yourself some money (and a trip to Staples) and forego that 200-pack of 8.5 x 11 Christmas paper. Nobody wants to read the usual crap you print. Unless you say something nice. So, think about it. Send a personalized handwritten note. Maybe something like, "Give peace a chance in 2011" or "You're the funkiest, freshest cat I know." Don't have time? Please. If you don't have time to scratch "I love you, man. Your fave cat, Bede" at the bottom of a card, then you need to brush up on your social skills.
All you need is some paper and some envelopes. I bet you have some in a drawer somewhere. Who are you trying to impress with fancy stamps and letterpress printing in gold ink? It's the words, man. It's the words you use and that has the power to make someone feel great. Cost: $0.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hosting a baby shower for a family member or friend? Don't know what to buy? You don't have to spend much.
1. You know that Diaper Genie the UPS man delivered to your house by mistake? Give that to someone you really like. If you want to be really cool, you could add a companion gift of Diaper Genie liners, but that would cost money.
2. Frame that e-mail your friend sent you where she wrote, "Dude, I'm in labor."
3. Go to one of those Christmas All Year Long stores and buy a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament. Moms-to-be love that sorta stuff, and you can find the ornament for less than $10. Or you can create one for free out of leftover polymer clay or spraypainted wood or something you have around the house.
4. Diapers. Any size. Any amount. No matter how many you get, it won't be enough. This is a gift that won't go to waste. Actually, it WILL go to waste because it'll be a receptacle for poop but you know what I mean.
5. An outfit or stuffed animal that someone in your house outgrew and forgot about. This one's tricky. It has to be something really cool like a vintage Superman T-shirt in a tiny size or a classic teddy bear. You also have to write a whole backstory to the piece explaining the significance of it. Otherwise, you just end up looking cheap.