Thursday, August 26, 2010

Gender Stereotyping at the Drive-Thru

Sometimes, after a long day of corporate takeovers, I just don't have the energy to boil the brown rice and dice the veggies and drizzle it with sesame oil. Sometimes, I want a small fry and a small Coke from the drive-thru. So, I get a Happy Meal. (Yes, I know it's unhealthy. Don't even start in on that. HATER-FREE ZONE! NO HATERZ!) I throw away the burger cuz it messes with my gluten allergy--but, oddly enough, doesn't faze my beef allergy.

The whole point of the transaction is to get the toy, so I can take it home to the human kid. (Often, when I am flying back from my Shanghai biz trips, I forget to buy her a souvenir and end up purchasing a double-decker bus-shaped handbag at the duty-free in Heathrow.)

So, the cashier will ask me, "Is it for a boy or a girl?"

And, that's where it gets complicated.

I end up defending a dissertation through the speaker board while holding up the lunch line.

"Well, I'm a cat," I say, "but I'm only eating the fries in the meal. The toy isn't for me. It's a gift for someone else, a little human girl, BUT, she would prefer a DC Comics action figure to the mini Madame Alexander doll. You see, she really loves Iron Man and she got a huge kick outta that Aquaman she received the last time we were here."

And then through the speaker, a static-y voice asks, "What?"

"Boy! It's for a boy!" I yell.

And then, I opened the box expecting to see Batman or Stretch Armstrong.



There she was, a mini Cinderella-version Madame Alexander.

Maybe the cashier had malice in her heart cuz I yelled. Maybe a dog-lover was working the drive-thru. I just hope human kid isn't too disappointed with her doll. Cost: $3.17.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Bede say thank you

Every once in awhile, I just want to stop and say thanks to all of you great people who read my posts, my tweets, my fan page and my blog. Also, thank you for buying products made by my conglomerate, Persian Metamarketing Ltd. (PML). Thank you for dining at PML restaurants, buying PML clothing and, most importantly, for supporting our catnip initiatives for sustainable agriculture in impoverished areas such as Siloam, Georgia.

My latest adventure is one full of fire and music (for we all know that music soothes the savage beast, which is what dogs are). For those of you who haven't already heard, I have recently formed a Dixieland band called The Bede Cat Band. It seems like every city where my band tours, the crowds are getting bigger instead of smaller. We're talking from Cairo (Egypt) to Cairo (Georgia). People don't seem to mind that we play only one song: "Sweet Georgia Brown." It's a classic and gets the crowd to the dance floor almost as quickly as the Georgia Satellites' "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" does. (In a related note, we are working hard to learn the entire Satellites' catalog. Stay tuned.) Our popularity has mushroomed only as a result of my fans spreading the word and bringing new people out to see us play at venues across the world. Thank you for your continued support as I live the dream.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Gluten-Free, Anti-bovine, Kosher and Lovin It!

My good friends--the 700+ who follow me on Facebook-- know that I was recently diagnosed with a gluten allergy. My veterinarian found this fascinating, especially since a) I was already allergic to beef and dairy products and b) cats can usually eat whatever.

I used to be a vegan, but then I realized--as a feline who is committed to frugal living--bunnies, squirrels and chipmunks were readily available in my backyard. I found them both tasty and economical in these tough financial times. (As CEO of Persian Metamarketing Ltd., I employ a staff of thousands, with subsidiaries and licensees in a variety of markets throughout the world. Our CatNip Treats products in Canada have taken an especially tough hit, in light of the recent PR scandal that I'm sure you all are abundantly aware of.)

So, now I stay away from pasta and breads and try to fill my plate with veggies. Whenever I am at a restaurant, I like to ask the server if there is a gluten-free, kosher menu available. While I am not Jewish, I enjoy seeing the look on the server's face. I can tell she is thinking, "HOLY CRAP, who let a cat in the restaurant?"

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Button it up

You can order 100 buttons with a picture of your face on it for $.36 ea. from Just fill small gift bags with the buttons, and your shopping is done. Think about it: If the person you're giving a gift to doesn't love your face then maybe you guys shouldn't be exchanging gifts in the first place.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Lo-cost Squash Casserole Recipe

Grow three pounds of yellow squash in your garden. (Watch out, it will take over your garden and then you won't grow no carrots or tomatoes.)

Get an onion from your friend who participates in a weekly CSA. Cut it up, saute it in some grease.

Get 3 eggs from a co-worker who raises chickens. (Make sure they fresh.)

Go buy store brand sour cream (95 cents).

Ask your neighbor for a handful of shredded cheese. Doesn't matter what kind.

Open up that can of cream of mushroom soup that's been sitting in your pantry.

Skip the butter cuz, girl, you know you don't need the calories.

Bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

Cost: 95 cents

Monday, August 2, 2010

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

I was feeling down cuz Persian Metamarketing Ltd.'s quarterly sales had dipped, so my friends came over and brought me some food--corn on the cob, marinated chicken, and Coke. All I had to provide was the grill, the Maker's Mark (which was already in the liquor cabinet, duh), grits (the old-fashioned kind not the lame instant, already in the pantry) and squash (already growing in the garden, honey). Great food, even better convo. We had a big time. Cost: $0.

(To all the haters out there: Sorry, you can't have none.)