Guns 'n' Roses, ranked by hotness

1. Duff (duh)
2. Axl (although I think he'd be difficult to have a relationship with)
3. Slash
4. Adler
5. Izzy

This is no way a diss against Izzy. It's just that someone had to come last, OK?

WHY ARE PEOPLE SUCH HATERS???

This woman at church had surgery and needed meals sent to her house. So, the church meal organizer--let's just call her MEANFACE--sends an email to all the cats at the church that goes like this:

"This woman needs some meals sent to her house--pronto! Get to cookin!"

Now, I'm a mogul without a lot of spare time, but I don't mind pitching in. As a cat with severe food allergies, however, I endeavor to find out a little bit about the people for whom I'm cooking. Are they lactose-intolerant? Do they have a problem with gluten? Is there a nut allergy present? Are they allergic to steak? THESE ARE VALID QUESTIONS.

So, I emailed MEANFACE back and asked, "Do have a phone number for the woman who needs meals?"

Meanface wrote back, "I put all of the info that I currently have in the previous email. There was some urgency to get the info out so the meals would start coming."

Well, no duh. I get that. Obviously, I'm not an idiot. I run a company with hundreds of subsidiaries and manage thousands of employees. But, I'm not gonna just show up at someone's house bearing a tuna noodle casserole without calling first to a) say what time I'm coming over and b) find out if the person's allergic to seafood. THAT WOULD BE STUPID.

Eco-Friendly Birthday Party, My Butt

To the mom who hosted an exhausting eco-friendly birthday party for her kid (http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/home_blog/2012/02/green-childrens-party.html#comments):

Here are 5 things I found misguided about your approach:

1. You hosted it on Super Bowl Sunday. Seriously, dude, are you that freaking selfish to think that folks wanna hang out with your kid on the biggest football day of the year?

2. Your goal was to host a bash that generated no garbage, but you held the party at Go-Kart World? Don't pat yourself on the back too hard about carpooling to get there.

3. You made tamales instead of hot dogs because it eliminated the plastic bags that the hot dogs and buns are packaged in. OK, that's cool. But, seriously, who the hell likes to eat tamales? I'm not hating. I'm just saying they taste like crap.

4. and 5. "Unfortunately for my son, some parents took the request for little or no waste to mean 'Don't bother bringing a present,' which, at the end of what turned out to be an eight-hour extravaganza, ended with my son storming off to his room." I don't even know where to start with that sentence. What are parents supposed to bring to a no-waste party? A sack of flour? In a biodegradable unbleached cotton sack, no doubt. Also, maybe your kid stormed off to his room because eight hours of anything is about seven hours too long.

I'm all for saving the earth and being all sustainable and stuff, but, really? Your party sounds awful.

A Heartfelt Message for Dooce

I don’t like to admit that I read Dooce.com. That blog ain’t exactly Dostoyevsky. But, I love that fallen Mormon chick who lives in Salt Lake City. She’s got two cool kids and two cool dogs. A husband who has his own blog, all about design and photography and stuff. She swears a lot. She makes me laugh. She posts with a regularity that I can only aspire to. (It's like she's the valedictorian of posting.) Her photos are out of this world, and she’s the reason I bought the most expensive camera I could afford.

Sometimes, I try to tell myself I won’t read her anymore, like when she’s talking about Bangladesh or training for her stupid marathon, but I always come back. I can’t quit Coca-Cola and I can’t quit Dooce. There, I said it.

So, when I read that she and her husband had separated, I was all surprised and sad. So much so that my friend Roger said, “Are you actually UPSET that Dooce and her husband broke up? You’re upset. About the Internet chick you’ve never met.”

I said, “No, no of course not. I’m upset about Seal and Heidi.”

But what I really meant was, “I’m SO SAD about Dooce!" Damn. That sucks. I thought those bloggernauts would make it in this crazy world.

So here is my message to my favorite blogger:

Dooce, I know there’s a lot of haters out there, but I’m all about hater-free zones. So, if you need my private jet or the use of my Swiss chalet, just say the word. Just consider it a gift from one mogul to another.

A Word On Paula Deen

Because so many of you asked me to weigh in on the Paula Deen situation, I feel that I must.

First off, I can't stand Paula. With her fake Southern hospitality and her too-white teeth. But, in this instance, I have to come to her defense. Here's why:

If she had diabetes in the 1970s, only her doctor and her pharmacist would know. And they would giggle about it together at the country club and say stuff like, "Ain't she eccentric? That quirky broad got a million-dollar empire and can't eat her own food." And then they'd golf and have a coupla highballs afterward and that would be all. Sure, maybe a few folks around Savannah would whisper about it, but it wouldn't be some stupid SCANDAL. It wouldn't necessitate a panel on the "Today" show calling her out and saying she's "egregious." As if she'd been throwing babies down a well or somethin.

So the woman who makes fattening recipes has diabetes. BFD. Not my problem. I don't go to Paula Deen for health advice. Cuz I'm NOT STUPID. Last time I went to her website I was looking for a six-egg breakfast casserole for a New Year's Eve party. If I want tofu stir fry, I log in to my Weight Watchers account. Whatever meal I pick, that's on me.

I mean, seriously, did anybody ever call Julia Child out for all her heavy cream French recipes? Or her gigantism? Hell no. Quite the opposite. They made a movie about her and put Meryl Streep on a pedestal so she could play the part.

Oh, but, Paula is supposed to SHOW US how to eat healthy now that she's got diabetes. Bull. That's like looking in the Dumbass section of the library hoping to find that Einstein bio. Or asking Lisa Bonet, "Should I immunize my kids?"

Paula, eat what you want and cook what you want and make money how you want. Rock on with your capitalism and donate a portion of your diabetes medicine spokeswoman money to the American Diabetes Association. Last time I checked, that's what makes America great. And if people wanna eat a cheeseburger between donuts, well, that's on them.

Life Lessons and Toni Braxton

You ever had an enemy you forgot about for 20 years and then--bam--while you're sitting there sick on the couch, half-delirious from dehydration, she comes flying back to memory on her broom? While I was curled up with the fever and ague yesterday, I thought of Della Doris, my supervisor at Ruby Tuesday back in 1990.

One Friday, I was working a double shift--10 a.m. to 4 p.m. and then 5-11 p.m. Well, my early tables didn't finish up till 4:45, so I asked Della if I could take more than 15 minutes to go eat something in the mall, change into a clean uniform and get ready for the long night ahead. "No," she said, "you MUST be back here at 5."

Now, present-day Bede would've got in her face and told her, "Not only is that inhumane, it's also illegal. Cash me out, woman, cuz I quit. You can sell these fajitas your own damn self." But, instead, I rushed next door to Chick-fil-a and got me a frozen ice dream and ran back to work, still wearing my ranch dressing-spattered apron.

Della, meanwhile, went off to Holiday Hair and got her mullet shaped into what she called a "Toni Braxton cut." I didn't bother enlightening her to the fact that she was 1) white 2) couldn't sing and 3) tipped that scales at two bills.

As a present-day mogul, I do not wish Della ill and sincerely hope she clawed her way to middle management on the Ruby Tuesday corporate ladder. Sometimes, when I am dealing with my cadre of employees, I remind myself to be nice and "not act all Toni Braxton" on people. But, what I really mean, is "not act all Della Doris." I'm sure Toni Braxton herself is a lovely woman.

How to Save Money on Food

Lots of folks look for ways to cut their grocery bill. Here's a tip that will help you save money: Get the flu. More importantly, make sure your whole family gets the flu. No co-pays to worry about cuz no one will have the strength to go to the doctor--or anywhere else, saving on car emissions and gasoline. Eco-friendly! Plus, no one will eat for at least two days. That's six meals worth of savings! Gatorade is cheaper than chicken stir fry for four ANY DAY. The best part is, once everybody is over the flu and back to work/school, they still won't have much of an appetite. Buy a box of cup o'soup and call that "breakfast and lunch." If you're the splurging type, pick up some of the 79-cent ginger ale. Dinner! Your budget--and your waistline--will thank you.

How to Save Money On Shampoo

Couple nights ago, around 9:45 p.m., I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to clean out the closet in the bathroom downstairs.

Threw out two tubes of old mascara , a pillowcase of cotton balls (had 'em for seven years and never found a use) and more than one bottle of expired vitamins. I kept the Vicodin cuz a) it hadn't expired and b) you never know when you're gonna pull a trapezius muscle and need that stuff. Also gave myself permission to toss that sample lipstick that came in an Estee Lauder gift bag (free with a purchase of a bottle of perfume) two years ago.

Then I gathered up all the bottles of lotion, body wash, bubble bath, shampoo and conditioner and put them on a closet shelf. Ditto for the seven almost-empty bottles of Bath 'n' Bodyworks liquid hand soap. Found several bars of Mickey Mouse soap and trial-size toiletries. Up on the shelf they went. Forget clipping coupons. I'm gonna use up what I already have. Who knows what treasures await in the upstairs bathroom? I haven't even checked that closet.

Often, when I'm at the grocery store's beauty aisle, I think, surely, we must be out of SOMETHING. And then there's that impulse buy of vanilla mint conditioner that I MUST have to tame my luxurious fur. And, I can't very well buy vanilla mint conditioner without vanilla mint shampoo, now can I? That usually snowballs into buying some bubble bath. Then I think of all that steamy water drying out my skin, so I get some overpriced Neutrogena bath oil or head down to the organic aisle for an even pricier acacia/grapefruit/goat milk skin-soothing potion. And then I think, well, shoot, I need a new headband, too. And, the thing is, I'm at the grocery store where I should just be buying GROCERIES not toiletries, but the grocery store is right across the street and Target is wayyy down the pike, and, well, that's how you end up with a closet shelf full of half-used toiletries. But, this year is gonna be different. I'm using up that stuff before I buy new. That's how I'm gonna save money on shampoo in 2012.

6 Ways to Skirt Holiday Debt

Just saw a story with this headline on Yahoo news, so I thought I'd come up with something more succinct. Here's my one tip for avoiding holiday debt:

1. Don't buy stuff.

Jesus received only three gifts, so maybe you just give one or two things to your loved ones. These things can be found around your house. Upcycle. It saves the Earth. Bake something. Or watch a movie together.

Budget Halloween Costumes

People always come to me when they need a good Halloween costume. It's one day a year. Don't spend a lot of money on your costume, but don't be lame either. Here are my top 3:

1. Dexter--Blood spatter expert by day, avenging serial killer by night. How easy is this costume? Get you a skintight black henley and a fake syringe. Maybe add a black apron if you have one around the house. Shoot, you can find recipes for fake blood all over the Internets. Now, keep in mind, Dexter is ripped. If you're not ripped, you might have to just work out for 12 months and plan on being Dexter NEXT year. Just don't want you to look foolish.

2. Cher--always a crowd-pleaser and so many options. You can be Sonny & Cher Cher or "Turn Back Time" Cher or turquoise and feathers Cher or "Moonstruck" Cher or "Mermaids" Cher. Sky's the limit. You can't have enough Cher. Also a timely costume in light of Chazz participating in "Dancing With the Stars." Something to think about. All you need is a black wig, any style, and some stoicism. Cher ain't silly.

3. Old lady. Get you a wig and some knee highs and a floweredy dress. When folks ask you what you're dressed as, you say, "Your mom." If you say it with sincerity, people will think it's an homage.

Towa Tei and Taboo

Every time I see that mysterious, supercool Taboo guy from the Black-Eyed Peas (bottom photo, guy in the back), he reminds me of a another mysterious, supercool guy: Towa Tei, from Deee-Lite (top photo, guy on the left). Think about it--every band has a Towa Tei/Taboo mysterious type. The Beatles' version, for instance, would be George Harrison. Tell me I'm wrong.

Cheap Easter Dinner

It's Maundy Thursday, which means tomorrow is Good Friday. After that, it's Saturday and then Easter Sunday. So, you'd better start planning your Easter dinner right now. It's too late to buy a ham. I'm not hatin, I'm just talking truth. If you wanted a ham, you should've ordered that ahead of time. You shouldn't be eating meat anyway. Stop by the farmers' market and get you some veggies. Shoot, you know you're just gonna fill up on whatever candy you steal outta your kids' Easter baskets anyway. Don't even front.

Free Movie Night

Tonight, I'm going to watch my favorite movie, "To Kill a Mockingbird." I will also watch the bonus disc of the Gregory Peck biography that was included in the case when I bought the movie. There's popcorn in my cupboard (the old school kind that you make on the stove), soy butter in my fridge and comfy blankets in the hall closet. This evening of entertainment will cost zero dollars.

How to Save $ on Veggies

Today, I totally geeked on an heirloom seed site. I ordered some chantenay carrots, Cinderella pumpkins, moon and stars melons, Brandywine tomatoes, purple hull peas, assorted sweet peppers and even some cotton. I don't know if cotton grows in Shanghai, but there's only one way to find out.

I also plan to put an herb garden in the firepit, since we won't be using it for fires in the summer. Dill is lovely to put on salmon (for my pescetarian days). Basil is easy to grow, and I can act all fancy when I use it for cooking. "Oh, this is fresh from my garden," I'll say when we have potlucks at work. Chives are nice for potato salad. And maybe some hyssop because they're always talking about that in the Bible. Mint's something even an idiot can grow. And then there's oregano and parsley and whatnot.

And, when I'm at the office and a thunderstorm comes up, I can fret and say things like, "My, I hope all this rain doesn't ruin my crops. I mean, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm just worried about my hyssop."

Sesame Seeds, Sez Me

I was cooking some ancient Greek recipes last night, so, obviously I needed the all-important ingredient of toasted sesame seeds. I went to the gro sto to buy some. One tiny bottle of regular sesame seeds cost $3.99. One tiny bottle of toasted sesame seeds was $4.59. Whaaa? This was way outta my frugal livin price range, so I walked over to the organic hippie bulk aisle. Poured a jar's worth of sesame seeds into a bag, weighed them and printed out the sticker. Cost: 58 cents. That's a cost savings of $4.01 going straight into the Tuscany fund. Oh yeahhhhhhhh! (I toasted them in the oven all by myself, and they came out just right.)

Christmas Pad Thai

When I heard about the snow that was supposed to come, I asked my driver to take me to the little grocery store near PML headquarters. I didn't need bread (cuz I'm gluten-free) or milk (cuz I don't do dairy).

I bought peanuts for a veggie pad thai dinner. And some cauliflower for a soy "cream" soup I found in my Marilu Henner cookbook. (If I were human, I would want to be Marilu because she's amazing.) And a box of generic hot cocoa. And a bag of tiny marshmallows. Cost: $11.23. I reckon I could've been more frugal, but something about a snow forecast turns me into a spendthrift.

I settled in for the evening, catching up on "Dexter" episodes. After Dexter had gotten rid of all the bad people for the season and the credits rolled, I turned out the lights and opened the blinds and watched the snow fall. I checked my phone to make sure it was really Jan. 11, because it sure felt like Christmas. All was calm, all was bright. It was evening, but it looked like morning. As I curled up in bed to read a few pages of "East of Eden" before dozing off, I couldn't help but think that, at that very moment, all was right in my world.

Hot Rollers & a Math Problem

Y'all know I'm saving my money to go to Tuscany in 2012. So, I try to live frugally most of the time. Before each purchase, I ask myself, "How does this help me get to Italy?"

I've used the same set of hot rollers for years. (Yes, I roll my fur every morning.) There are 12 rollers, but somewhere along the way I lost 3 of the clips that hold the rollers in place. A new set of 12 clips costs only $3.59 at Sally Beauty Supply, but I can't bring myself to buy 'em. (Sure, I'll spend $4.82 on a soy chai latte at Starbucks weekly and not even blink, but the clips just seem so decadent.) Well, I've managed to make myself look stylish using only 9 rollers for this long. Boom, there's an extra $3.59 for the Tuscany fund!

Real Inexpensive Christmas Gift Idea

Let's say you have to give presents to a bunch of different teenagers. You don't want to spend any money, but you don't want to look cheap (cuz you know those teenagers will tell you to your face: "Dude, you're freakin cheap. And super old.") So, you go to the craft store and buy some silk thread. (It's $1.99, but you can print out a 40% coupon to cut costs.) Then, you put a couple beads on there. Or, maybe you have little charms just sitting around from a long-abandoned craft project. Then you write somethin witty about how they can make a wish as they tie the bracelet/necklace on. And how when the string breaks, the wish comes true. Just print that out on cardstock and wrap the string around it. Tape it in the back. No clasp necessary. Super cheap. Super cool. Not much money.

Saving $$$ on Thanksgiving Desserts

Sure, you could bust your buns slicing up 3 pounds of apples and rolling out the perfect piecrust for a pie. And, yeah, maybe folks would be impressed. But, that involves lots of spices and a pie plate and lemon juice and a lot of effort. Need dessert for 12? Buy 3 apples. Seriously. That's all it takes.

Grab 3 sticks from your yard. Stick them in the apples. Melt some caramel. (You might have some left over from Halloween.) Dip the apples. Put them on tin foil on the let 'em sit in the fridge for 30 mins.

Melt some chocolate. I know you've got some. Doesn't matter what kind. Spoon the chocolate over the caramel apples.

Toss some toffee bits on there. Or sprinkles. Or whatever. They're your apples; how do YOU like 'em ? Once you have the apples coated up how you want, back in the fridge they go. Take them out 30 minutes before dessert time and slice 'em up. You watch. NOBODY--not even your big, ol' lazyass uncle who hasn't had a job in 30 years--can eat more than a slice or two. In fact, most folks will end up cutting a slice in half. Done and done--three apples feeds 12 people.

It ain't loaves and fishes, of course, but it's pretty cool.

How I Can Help You During the Holiday Season

It's the holiday season, and we're all supposed to give. My writing services are the best Christmas gift I can offer to the world. Seems like folks are in desperate need of well-placed apostrophes and sujbect-verb agreement, and I'm here to help.

The Annual Holiday Letter

Because of my last blog post, many of my fans and loyal followers raked me over the coals for making fun of their annual holiday letters. Looks like you're going to send these things anyway, so I'd better come to the rescue.

I will ghost write your family holiday letters. Let me know the highlights of your family's past year, and I'll craft it in a way that doesn't make people puke. I'll even include humble comments such as "We certainly didn't expect little Sarah to get the lead in the school play, but she surprised us all with her God-given acting talents. Look out, Hollywood!" The spelling, grammar and punctuation also will be correct. Duh, that goes without saying. Your recipients will be impressed this year. Cost: $20.

Letters from Santa
As an added bonus, I can provide personalized letters from Santa. These letters will arrive typed on fancy holiday stationery. I'll sign Santa's name in gold ink. Heck, I could even throw in some glitter and a few personal facts ("Way to maintain that C average, Tommy!"). Cost: $10/kid.

Guest Blogging

Everyone's busy during the holiday season, and bloggers are no exception. I can offer a much-needed break--and the most awesome guest blog posts ever. Cost: $20/post.

Let me know how I can help. Persian Metamarketing Ltd. is here for you. All money received will go to Birthdaywishes.org, a charity that provides birthday parties for children in homeless shelters.